One Last Conversation

If I could talk to my father one more time I would hope I could express clearly to him why I decided to move on without him. Not out of hatred and anger, but out of truth, I would want him to know what life was like without him around. I would want him to understand that a child can only be let down so many times before they give up on a person.

I would tell him I do have a few good memories from when I was real young, I only wish that they would've continued. Like when he would drive us in his old beat up pickup truck. He convinced us that it was a spaceship and would have us close our eyes as he pushed the magic button to take off. We'd close our eyes and he'd give a narrative of our space experience, sound effects and all. Or I'd remind him of us all singing "She'll be comin' arround the mountain when she comes," and other songs to pass time as we drove. And then there's one of my favorite. When he would read Sleeping Beauty to us sometimes before bed, he'd reverse the letters through the whole story and tell us about "Beeping Sleauty". We always squealed at how hillarious the story became.
Yes, if only the memories continued.

I would tell him it was hard to see him less and less. It was heartbreaking that he'd make promises that he wouldn't keep. He wasn't there when I needed a dad, and that wasn't fair. It wasn't fair that when he needed a shoulder to lean on, he expected me as a teenager to be that person. I would want him to know that he left a big hole in my heart.

I would tell him that in college, I found my true Father, one who would never leave or forsake me and who could fill that hole and continues to do so.

I would explain to him that he wanted to much from me after not being a part of my childhood. I'd make it clear that I wanted someone who had a large part of my life to walk me down the aisle, and therefore, couldn't fulfill his request to do so. I'd tell him it wasn't about him on that day.

I would tell him that I forgive him for all this. I'd explain that I could only do so through the forgiveness I have received in Christ. I know that there are things to which I need to be forgiven as well. I'd tell him that I know I didn't communicate clearly to him how I felt and that I needed to be forgiven for that. I trust that I am forgiven for any unhealthy ways that I have handled the past.

I would tell him that I just had to move on, that I could not carry the burden of him. I couldn't deal with the relationship as it was so I had to let go.

I would let him know that I understood, to a point, where he was coming from. I understand that life is hard and we crumble as we are dealt a hard hand. I'd want to empathize with the life he was dealt.

I would want him to know that I will not crumble and my life will not be in shambles because I have been restored in Christ. I would wish and pray that he'd know the same healing power that I have found.

I would want him to be in peace. I'd want him to experience forgiveness.